Oftentimes when I can’t sleep, it’s because I’m imagining what it would be like to eaten by a bear… The thought terrifies me.
When I was a teenager, see, one year at Winter Retreat, this speaker talked about a girl who was eaten by a bear. His retelling was so visceral and terrifying, its stayed with me to this day. I still hate that guy for it. Seriously…Why tell a bunch of kids such a grim story? It didn’t scare me into heaven… It just made it hard to sleep some nights. being a hardcore Chicago Bears fan doesn’t help that either… But I do love my Bears. WORTH IT.
I tell you this now because I’m in the process of editing my first novel tentatively titled, The Curse of the Creator, and it is a bear.
I feel much like the half-wolf Balto in the following picture…
Crushed beneath the weight of a massive Hell Bear…
I began work on Curse in September 2012 shortly after starting working for Student Services. I finished my first rough draft in March 2013.
Here it is March 2014, and I’m on my third edit.
What’s painful isn’t the work or even finding time to work, it’s dealing with your own bad writing.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read a paragraph and just had to stop because it was so bad. Sure, that’s what the editing process is about.
Finding errors, inconsistencies, and generally improving the work, but damn… It’s tough.
After another edit or two I hope to start peddling it to agents and publishers…Not for the sake of money, but for the sake of the story…Because I think I have a good one.
What’s difficult is when I don’t think I’m a good enough vessel for the story to be conducted.
“I just so desperately want to be better.”
This feeling goes straight across the board really. I want to be a better Christian, a better husband, a better father, author, actor, friend, artist…
I once told someone I was an artist, and they asked if I painted or something… Random thought…Sorry.
This desire to grow…to gain insight…to hone my crafts is always lingering behind an ever present veil of doubt…in keeping with my earlier metaphor…
This desire to be better is constantly crushed beneath a Hell Bear of doubt.
I don’t know if there really is an answer. I think I just need to keep at it and keep at it until one day I achieve excellence or, at least, mediocrity.
I won’t settle for less than mediocrity.
I leave you with a picture of me as a bear…
[Note: Iwrestledabearonce is a pretty fun band…I think…Check out, “Tastes like Kevin Bacon” below.]